The Bloomer Blues

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud as mom relayed the story to me about my little cousin’s Christmas morning.    Apparently as the six year old began to open up her pile of presents on Christmas day the first package she came across didn’t quite meet her expectations.  “You have got to be kidding me? BLOOMERS!” the little blonde said in disgust before she went on to the “good” stuff that was hidden in the rest of the presents.  In case any of you need an education on Southern lingo, bloomers is another word we use for underwear, or if you want to get even fancier…panties.  When I thought and laughed about her reaction I could relate.  Who really wants bloomers for Christmas?  But I know that there are things called necessities in life and unless something drastically changes in my world I need bloomers.  Her parents knew she needed them too, so they threw them in along with the toys and the fun stuff.  In my life there are so many times I don’t ask God to give me the necessities. If I’m being honest, most of the time when I ask God for things, I want the “good” stuff!  The exciting stuff! I don’t often pray for my daily bread, for clothes on my back, and shoes on my feet.  I live in America where those things are taken for granted every day, they are expected.  The fast food mentality, “give me what I want and give it to me now.” Waiting is not an option.

I have a tendency to ask for the exciting and miraculous things.  Which isn’t inherently bad, there just needs to be balance.  I am to trust Him in all things.  Just like a loving parent, God sometimes chooses to give me what I need not what I want.  He gives me things I didn’t ask for versus the things I do.  Just like a child I can become self-centered and have a “hissy fit” until I can regain my composure realizing God knows more about what I should have and when, than I do.  He is sovereign, I am not.  When I start getting an attitude problem receiving the necessities from God I know I need to check myself because I may have gotten too big for my bloomers!  Have a great week!

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”  James 1:17 NIV

Don't Let Grief Overwhelm Your Life

Thursday December 23, 2010 started out as an exciting day for me.  I woke up with the anticipation of a Christmas dinner I had planned for my friends that evening.   This had been a year of many changes for me, I had recently closed on my first home in October and this dinner was the start of what I hoped to be a new Christmas tradition.  The idea of hosting a gathering was exhilarating for me and I spent the day cooking, decorating, and preparing my home to feel warm and inviting.  Halfway through the day things got even better, my best friend called me chattering so fast and squealing with delight.  I couldn’t understand a word of what she was exclaiming, I had to ask her three times to repeat herself and slow down.  Then it came through, her boyfriend had asked her to marry him!  They were engaged!  This day couldn’t get any better!

The time for the dinner came; I shared such a wonderful time with my newly engaged friends, along with another close friend, her husband, and little girl.  We enjoyed great food and fellowship. 

As the time approached for me to say good bye to them all, my heart felt so full.  I was blissful that the dinner went so well and was thankful for the time spent with those that I loved.  I was thrilled about my best friend’s engagement.   I was grateful to God for the moments like these that made life good. 

 Then the unexpected phone call came.  Mom called to say my cousin Crystal was being rushed to the emergency room after collapsing at her home. All within a matter of minutes, disbelief turned to frustration, frustration turned to fear, fear turned to prayer.  I thought she would be okay, but then as I processed it all I thought, she could die.  I prayed, I asked others to pray and I jumped in the car to drive from Christiansburg to Pulaski trying to fight back the panic.  I didn’t get far before mom called me back, Crystal didn’t make it.  My world turned upside down and I couldn’t accept what I was hearing, she was only twenty nine years old.  She couldn’t be gone forever. I had never felt such grief in my entire life; I won’t go into the details about what followed that phone call except to say it was horrible.  I now knew what it was like to have your day go from wonderful to earth shattering, within just a matter of hours. 

It’s been three years since that day.  My family and I will never be the same.  Just like so many other families we know the pain of loss and also when it happens around the holidays.  For many people holidays are just another reminder of what has been lost and that there is an empty seat at the dinner table.  And until you have experienced it, there are no words to adequately describe the grief.  What I have learned is people grieve differently and that grief has an important place in the healing process.

In my time of grief and contemplating life I needed God’s comfort and wisdom. He provided.  There were times I had good old fashioned “pity parties.” He was there.  I let myself have moments of despair and hopelessness, where I questioned everything.  I even questioned God.  He let me. 

As I emerged from the other side, I realized several things.  There is nothing more important than where I spend eternity.  Death can happen so quickly no matter what age, would I be ready if it happened today?  Do I have the assurance of being with Jesus in heaven when that day comes for me?  What about the ones I love, have I shared the gospel with them?  Have I told them about the saving grace of God and have they had the opportunity to know Him?  Do I love those around me well?  Do they know I love them? 

For those that will pass on that have a relationship with Christ, I can be comforted in knowing that in heaven ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev 21:4)

I found that going through this was a training ground for me to be able to comfort someone else.  Not very long after my cousin passed away, one of my dear friends lost her husband to a tragic accident, he too was only twenty nine.  I have no doubt in my mind that the lessons I learned through my own grief enabled me to be a better comforter to her when she needed someone.

The final lesson took me a while to really grasp, years actually.  Crystal loved me and because of that love she would want the best for me.  She would want me to be happy.  She would want me to remember her but not in a depressing way, she would want me to laugh and remember the good times we all shared.  She would never want her death to be the cause of me not living life to the fullest, becoming hopeless, and dwelling too much on the past. 

So this Christmas season I just want to share with you that it does get better.  No of course it never goes away, you don’t just “get over” losing someone you love.  You just get a little tougher and press forward.  You learn to cope with it.  The things I’ve shared are what have made me stronger through the grief.  As I said everyone’s grief is different, I don’t claim to know exactly how someone else feels.  But my sincere hope for sharing this story is to comfort and encourage those of you that may be suffering right now. Don’t waste your life by letting grief overwhelm you. I believe God and our lost loved ones want us to truly live and do so with joy while we are on earth.  If you can’t find the strength to do it for yourself right now, do it for them.  I hope each of you have a blessed Christmas and make many more beautiful memories with the friends and family you have, please don’t take life for granted. 

Your Tongue Reveals Your Heart, Not Your Intentions

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.  Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?  My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.  James 3:7-12 NIV

I can’t believe I said that.  I told myself before I left the house today that I was going to do better at watching what I say.  And THAT just came out of my mouth. 

Those thoughts have gone through my mind more times than I can count.  I start my day with the best of intentions, with a desire to say and do the right things and then I get in a situation where my tongue gets out of control.  It happens so quickly sometimes, I’ve always been a blunt person and often times I don’t give my brain enough time to filter what comes out of my mouth.  The words found in James chapter one about being quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, seem far away when I’m caught up in the moment. 

I wish that self-control was the only reason this predicament happens but there is a much deeper root tied to what comes out of my mouth.  Luke 6:45 says,” A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”  The core issue is a matter of the heart.  If problems exist on the inside they will come spilling to the surface.  Bitterness, anger, jealousy, selfish ambition, unforgiveness, pride, lust, negativity, criticism, you name it, it will not stay hidden.  I don’t have the power in my own strength to hide those heart problems.  I can’t help but notice in James 3:7-8 the indication that humans have been able to tame all kinds of beasts but never the tongue.  The tongue can only be tamed by my Divine helper, the only One that can transform my heart. 

The unfortunate thing about being a Christian who is failing to control my words is how it affects my credibility to those around me.  My tongue reveals my heart, not my intentions. Many people in this world expect Christians to appear perfect in word and deed, anything less is to be labeled a hypocrite.  That is an unattainable standard that would require perfection.  Besides Jesus there has never been a sinless person that has walked this earth. I often wish that people knew my true intentions the way God does, but all they can see is what is on the outside.  All they hear are the words I immediately feel convicted over saying and wish I could take back. Does this mean I just throw my hands up and not try?  Of course not!  I should always be concerned about the impression I am making and how I am representing Christ to the world.  The bible says I am to work out my own salvation.  I am to continually grow in stature to get closer and closer to the fullness that is IN Christ, so that others may be drawn to Him through my example. 

Brothers and sisters do not become discouraged with this struggle of the heart!  Spiritual warfare is a daily battle, make up your mind to fight it with perseverance.  At no point does scripture say that life is going to be easy with no sacrifices.  Rely on God and His word to continue to transform your heart so that your words become more and more conformed to Christ. Just because you fail at something doesn’t mean you are a failure! Keep trying every day.  Knowing that while other people cannot possibly see what is inside of you, God does, He loves you, and is there to forgive as many times as you need Him to. 

“They gave our Master a crown of thorns. Why do we hope for a crown of roses?”  Martin Luther

An Accidental Tradition

As many of you already know I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior in June of 2005 at the age of twenty three.  In the time that followed my conversion to Christianity I was hungry to find music, films, and books related to my faith.  I quickly found that when it came to music and films the Christian genre was sometimes lacking compared to its secular counterparts.  I ran into some boring clichés along the way.  The films were oftentimes full of faulty angles and bad acting.  But as time passed I really was able to find some diamonds in the rough and I also see that as we progress farther and farther into the 21^st century the Christian mediums seem to be catching up as well.  For a girl that loves music and cinema as much as I do I have been a very happy camper lately because of these positive changes.  

One of these diamonds that I found was released at theaters nationwide in 2006.  It is called The Nativity Story.  I remember being so excited to see a Christian film that actually made it to the mainstream movie theaters (in my opinion they are too few and far between).  I was not disappointed when I went to see it.   I was impressed at the details included in the depiction of the everyday life of the Jewish people.  I was thrilled that the makers had stayed true to the biblical account of Christ’s birth found in the gospel of Luke.  They embellished a little on what may or may not have happened between Mary and Joseph but nothing that had me yelling BLASPHEMY, BLASPHEMY!  I loved that they showed the relationship between Mary and Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist).  If you are looking for a movie that has all kinds of bells and whistles just for entertainment’s sake this may not be for you.  But if you are anything like me and truly value a biblical story that actually follows what the bible says, you will appreciate this film. 

This movie has become an accidental tradition for my Christmas season in the years since it has been released.  I find myself watching it every year in December and I always cry at the end as I watch an illustration of the birth of Christ.  My heart overflows as I take the time to watch a reminder of my Savior’s humble and miraculous beginning.  I meditate on what His birth and death have meant for my own life and how He made it possible for me to have salvation.  If you are looking for a good movie to watch yourself or share with your family this Christmas, check this one out!  Follow along in Luke 1:1 through 2:21 to see the account of Jesus conception and birth. 

Would you like to share any of the traditions your family does for Christmas?  I’d love to hear how you make Christmas special at your house. 

Other Christian movies that I would recommend for their cinematography and a good message are:

Fireproof, Facing the Giants, Courageous, Time Changer, The Gospel, End of the Spear, Amazing Grace, The Passion of the Christ, The Gospel of John, The Apocalypse, Paul the Apostle, Therese, Left Behind series, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, The Chronicles of Narnia (Christian undertones), and One Night with the King (story of Esther, I have a few disagreements with this one but the quality of filming was good)

Distractions Dissolve Discernment

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 NIV


Just woke up, let me grab my cell phone from the charger.  Oh B texted, let me answer her.  I need coffee and breakfast, but I guess I need to grab my bible and my daily devotion on the way to the kitchen.  Bark, bark, bark.  I need to let the dogs out for their potty break.  I walk out of my room forgetting to grab my devotional.  I let the dogs out and sit down to get my breakfast.  Oh B answered my text.  Texting, texting, texting.  I wonder if I got a delivery confirmation for that package I ordered?  I sit down at the computer to start checking all of my email accounts and since I’m already there I check my social media sites too.  The phone rings, it’s my Nanny, “Sure I’ll be over there to pick you up in about 10 minutes.”  I’m out the door…

This is what my days have been like recently.  I keep being brought to a reoccurring theme right now, distraction, and how that distraction hinders the voice of God in my life.  His voice is always so quiet as it is.  I find myself lacking discernment in many areas of my life because I’ve let other sounds drown out His voice.  My focus has been blurred.  Dogs whining and barking to be let outside, also living with other people again that I have to share space with.  The television has become an attention stealer again, I like to blame DVR technology and it’s wonderful convenience.  The computer and my lovely cell phone are controlling my life again.  There was a time I would turn the phone off for a while, now I’m back to having it at my side, a constant interruption.  There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things if used sparingly but I’m to a point where it’s all too much. 

Distractions dissolve discernment.

Just writing all of these things down helps me to see the place I’ve journeyed to.  The land of distraction, I’ve pitched a tent.  I have been through this before and had to tear up those stakes I’ve driven in the ground.  This is definitely a place I don’t want to live in.  When I get distracted by all of the things around me I lose my peace and purpose.  I lose sight of what God’s still small voice is trying to tell me.  Then I wonder around aimlessly from one day to another, accomplishing nothing for God or with God.  But the good news is I can make those changes with His help.  I’ve made decisions in the past to leave everything off and do my devotion time first, starting my day with God.  I’ve taken thirty day breaks from Facebook.  I’ve turned my phone off and went to a quiet place to read the bible or pray.  I know for my start this week I have a new Beth Moore member book ordered that I’m anxious to begin.  With that I can focus on God’s word through the study in a more organized way.  And I also realize I am going to have to make myself prioritize quiet time with God, I can’t be passive about it.  Following Jesus is not about “works” but sometimes I do have to dig my heels in with some good old fashioned discipline and say NO to the things that try to steal my time away from Him.

Distractions dissolve discernment.

Have you let distractions take you away from time with God?  What practical changes can you make starting today? 

Pray for me and I’ll pray for you!

The Written Word

I still believe in the magic of a book, the importance of the written word.
What movie comes that hasn’t been first expressed by the words of a writer, pouring out their thoughts, their heart?
The capacity for words to initiate such deep feelings in the reader cannot be ignored.
There is such a beauty, an escape, when a writer can make you feel. 
Prompt you to react.
It is enchanting. 
And I love it!

Who Are You Giving Thanks To?

The last week I haven’t felt very inspired when it comes to writing.  Life can get so hectic sometimes.  Often when I do get some down time I just want to sit around in my comfy Aeropostale jogging pants, t-shirt, fuzzy socks, and not think…about anything.  But with the Thanksgiving holiday approaching with all of the Facebook posts about what’s in the oven and what everyone is doing, I guess you could say I got a little writing motivation.  I found myself on dictionary.com looking up what the actual definition of Thanksgiving was, I was curious to look a little deeper.   And I found a list of 4 definitions for the word thanksgiving:

1. The act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, especially to God.

2. An expression of thanks, especially to God.

3. A public celebration in acknowledgment of divine favor or kindness.

4. A day set apart for giving thanks to God.

It probably won’t be very difficult to guess where I am going with this.  I couldn’t help but notice in all of these descriptions of the word thanksgiving, the mention of God was included in some way.  Honestly when I looked up the word I didn’t know what I would find, but when I did notice this of course my wheels started turning.  I asked myself the question and I will ask you the same thing:  Who are you giving thanks to? 
When you are grateful for your family, your friends, your health, your food, your possessions, your job, your…  Who are you giving thanks to? 

I hope you all have a blessed and safe Thanksgiving holiday.

Are You Tired?

As I write this, I am tired, I am spent, and I am so done. But I have to stay awake ALL night. Do you ever feel like you get to a place of exhaustion where your brain just seems to be on cruise control? Some type of auto-pilot? It doesn’t want to be bothered with complicated questions or tasks. Just let it be. Leave it alone.
In those times of exhaustion when I don’t even feel like I have the energy to think…what do I occupy my time with? These drained moments can happen at various times and for various reasons. We have all been TIRED. 

When exhaustion is strong, my discipline is not. I know I tend to be less patient, less discerning, and less on guard for spiritual attacks. I take the easy, no-brainer path. And when I say or do the wrong thing, sinning in any way, I use being tired as an excuse for my behavior. I say, well God, it’s understandable that I said something snappy to that person, I was tired! I slipped up and used coarse language today because I was tired! I let myself be a part of a conversation I had no business chiming in on because I was tired. I ate a slab of lardy-heart-attack-inducing food instead of sticking to my eating plan because I was tired! I am great at making excuses for myself. Do I think God really buys these excuses I’m selling? Is sin ever excusable in the sight of a Holy God? The answer is NO, as much as I hate to acknowledge it.

But another more comforting truth is He gives us ways to overcome exhaustion and not sin, so we don’t have to make excuses for it! I think about the story of Moses in Exodus chapter seventeen when the Israelites were attacked by the Amalekites at Rephidim. Moses told Joshua to take some of the Israelites and go down to fight the Amalekites, while Moses stood on top of the hill with the staff of God in his hands. Aaron and Hur followed Moses up the hill, while Joshua and the other men fought the battle. As long as Moses held the staff up the Israelites were winning the battle, however if his hands grew tired and he lowered the staff the Amalekites began to win. Moses became exhausted so Aaron and Hur actually sat him down on a rock and they each held Moses’ hands up for him till sunset and the Israelites defeated their attackers. The illustration I am trying to make from this story is the Lord has brought godly people into each of our lives to come along side of us and help us when we are weary! Am I using these people to help me when I am exhausted, am I calling on other prayer warriors to help me fight this battle? 

In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 God’s word says,” Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Am I praying continually? I don’t see any stipulation that says when I am tired then I get a free pass to do whatever my fickle emotions tell me to. Honestly as much as I struggle following through with this I know that prayer should be this believer’s constant companion. 

For the final let’s drive this home point Isaiah 40:28-31, so eloquently reminds us that our God does not grow weary and also gives strength to those of us that do! “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

He has equipped us to overcome our struggles when we are tired, we just have to go through the One that does not slumber or sleep! I for one am glad that there is someone I can depend on to watch over me when I finally do get to lay my head on the pillow.

Plane Providence

“Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” Psalm 143:10 NIV

This week I went for a walk at a local park.  I noticed an older woman with white hair and glasses pushing a younger woman in a wheel chair in the parking lot of a picnic shelter.  The girl had brown hair and may have been in her thirties.  As I walked around the trail near that lot, the thought came to me of what it would be like to just walk over to them and strike up a conversation.  But I didn’t.  I continued to walk past imagining the scenario in my mind.  How would they have reacted if I had walked over to them?  What was their story?  Who was the white haired woman and why was the younger one in the wheel chair?  Would I have had an opportunity to pray with them?  Then I began ruminating on how common it is for us as human beings to never want to intrude on each other’s lives.  We are afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger because we think it would bother them.  But is that really true?  Especially if I am a Christian going out into this world equipped with the Holy Spirit of discernment to guide me toward who to talk to and when? 

In my more discerning moments I have had the opportunity to talk and pray with strangers.  One of those times sticks out in my mind; several years ago I was waiting at the airport in Roanoke, Virginia to begin a flight to Florida.  I noticed a cute elderly lady at the terminal traveling alone.  Anyone that knows me well knows I have a heart for elderly people and have focused my ministry on them in the past.  Imagine my surprise to find that when I boarded the plane and located my seat it was right beside of that little lady.  That was when I thought to myself, okay God what are you up to?  I did not believe that this was a coincidence after I had noticed her out of so many other people back at the terminal, providence was involved.   Our flight was heading to a lay-over in Georgia; I struck up a conversation with her for part of the trip.  I was pleased to find out she had been pretty self-sufficient and spunky all of her life, the talk flowed easily.  As we started getting closer and closer to landing in Atlanta, my heartbeat started pounding in my ears because I knew after exchanging pleasantries God was telling me to pray with her.  The closer we got to landing the more that fire inside of me grew, that moment when your flesh is fighting against intruding on someone’s life.  Your thoughts becoming anxious that the person will think you are crazy or get angry at the mention of anything related to religion or prayer. So on this particular occasion (after many times I’ve failed to obey in the past) I let God lead, I asked her if I could pray with her and if there was anything she needed prayer about.  She was not offended at all and told me she was actually on the flight because her brother was very ill and she was going to Texas to visit him.  I prayed for her and her brother as my heart calmed down and my flushed cheeks began to lighten.  The plane landed, we exited the gate, and she was gone just as quickly as our lives had intersected. I’ve never seen her again even though she was from the county I live in.  For all I know her brother could have been miraculously healed because my God is more than able to make the impossible happen.  I don’t know what God’s purpose was that day I could speculate about many things but some reasons and answers I will never know this side of heaven.  But I can say how silly I feel even to this day, when I feel God urging me to do something and I still have doubts about how it will go or how someone will react.  Because I can look back and confidently say EVERYTIME He has prompted me to step out in faith with others and I obeyed His call I have never gotten the bad reaction I was so fearful of. 

Many people feel unloved and unnoticed in this world.  There are some that may really be waiting for anyone to talk to them even if it is a stranger.  I’ve always heard one of the greatest gifts I can give to a person is my time.  Can I stop my busy life and give someone my time today?  I may never know what a difference it could make for them right now or maybe even bring a lasting change in their life.  And not because there is anything special about me but because I serve a God that is able to do supernaturally what I could never do in the natural. Will I allow God to use me to be the change He wants to see in this world?  Will you?

My Testimony Part II

Needless to say there was a lot going on in my life following the break up.  I remember one of my good friends calling me up one day and saying he had something important to tell me.  He said, “I found God.”  I remember saying, “Oh, well that’s great.”  While thinking to myself, what is he talking about?  What does that mean, to find God?  As far as I was concerned he was my friend and I would stand by him, but he just as easily could have told me he was beginning a study on the Matis Indians of Brazil, and I would have been just as clueless.  I vaguely remember him sharing more about God as the weeks went on. 

I distinctly remember a particular week in June of 2005.  I went out on a second date and ended up still feeling empty, it was obvious the dating situation was going nowhere; I had no real romantic feelings.  I was depressed there was no other guy to take away the loneliness.  At the end of the week I was supposed to be taking a girl’s trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee with my best friend.  At the beginning of that week I was on my way to work and had a car accident, my car versus a tractor trailer.  Thankfully it was a low speed crash and I wasn’t seriously injured.  I felt like at that time not much more could go wrong in my life.

 I made it to Tennessee for the weekend.  What was supposed to be an awesome get away ended up feeling even emptier.  Not only did I not have a good time, I was miserable.  I turned to alcohol again; I bought wine coolers to drink in the hotel room in an effort to relax.  It didn’t help anything.  It didn’t make me happy.  During the trip, we went shopping at the outlet malls and I found myself gravitating to a bookstore.  Inside, I ended up in the Christian book section and bought two Christian books, I didn’t know why. 

When I returned home from the trip I was so sad.  I called my friend who had found God and told him I had not had a good vacation.  I told him,” I have never felt more lost in my life.”  I was at my lowest point and lost was the best description of how I felt.  He said that he was going to come by and pick me up to take me to Wal-Mart because I needed to buy a book he had been reading called “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren.  He explained that you read one chapter a day for forty days.  I agreed to go get a copy of the book. 

I started reading the book and was amazed.  For me, being so in the dark about church and what the bible said I was suddenly getting answers to questions I always wondered about.  And several days into the book, while reading in my bedroom that night, I came to the end of the chapter and the author explained what I had to do to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior.   Ask for forgiveness for my sins, believe and receive Him as Lord in order to begin a relationship with Him. I finally understood what that meant and I came to the realization that I had been looking at things the wrong way, I wasn’t good.  No one is apart from God.  I knew I needed forgiveness.   I was ready to ask Jesus these things, so I knelt down and prayed to Him.  

One of the most profound things about accepting Jesus as my Savior was going from feeling alone so often to comprehending I had NEVER been alone!  I had a new relationship with my Creator and my life made more sense after that than it ever had before when I thought I was in control of everything.  Did accepting Christ erase all of life’s problems?  Of course not!  I still had to work through my hurts, my shortcomings, and bad habits.  I am still growing now, but from that moment on that is where my new life began.   It changed my perspective on life.  It was not about me all of the time there was something so much bigger than me.  I no longer had to fear death because receiving forgiveness through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross meant I could have eternal life in heaven!  I also had the guidance of the Holy Spirit after accepting Jesus, so my level of discernment grew, I could understand Scripture in a way I never had before.  Since I wasn’t raised in church, even the most common stories from the bible were new to me.  I couldn’t get enough of the bible and the new knowledge about God I was absorbing.  I discovered my idea about what made a person good had to line up with what God’s word said, not my own scale of morality.  I desired to be with other believer’s and I found a church to go to where I continued to grow in my new faith.  They became like another family to me. I experienced a love that was supernatural, He helped me to love myself and others in a way I never had in the past. The emptiness I had felt was gone when I started a relationship with Jesus.  The hole in my heart was filled with the only One that could complete it.  Nothing in this world ever did or ever will compare with how He loves me.  I am thankful for His grace to a girl that had no earthly reason to receive it and still could never deserve it in her own strength. 


Jesus is always with us, we don’t have to be in a church service to accept Him as our Savior as my own life has shown.  We can pray to receive Him at any time or anywhere.  I pray that you will consider where you are in your life.  What do you believe about life and death?  Pushing the thought aside will not change the fact that death comes to us all.  I pushed the thought away for many years and occupied myself any way I could. If you are confused about faith please look for the answers, it is too important to ignore.   Do you feel like you don’t know how to accept Him?  The bible says in Romans 10:9,” If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”  You believe in Christ and you confess that belief, ask for the forgiveness of your sins.

When I look back over this time in my life I see God's footprints all over it, He was drawing me unto Himself! Is He trying to get your attention right now in your circumstances? My hope in sharing this story is to lead others to the love of Christ and to glorify Him for what He has done.  Honestly there is SO much more I could share about the little and big ways God has shown Himself in my life but this has been long enough for a blog post!  Please if you have any questions about my experience or questions about faith feel free to email me, smithbl144@gmail.com   Have a great week and God bless!

My Testimony Part I

I wasn’t born into a Christian home, not that it was a bad home, we just didn’t attend church. Being an only child, my parents and I were very close and had a great relationship.  But during most of my life the idea of God, to me, was somehow distant.  I believed in a God and the story of Jesus because I was from the bible-belt area of the country where those ideas seemed to be common knowledge.  It was simply a part of the culture all around me.  I would sometimes say a quick prayer before bedtime to a God I wasn’t truly acquainted with.  In my mind I was a good person.  Which translated into I didn’t steal, kill, or do any "major" sins, so I was on my way to heaven, right?  But deep down inside of me there was no certainty of these things and I was terrified to talk or even think about death.  Essentially I was lost, unaware of the emptiness in my soul.  I was in a relationship with many other people and things but without the relationship.

As I began to grow into adulthood I felt a sense of not being completely right with God.  I recall times where I would pick up a bible feeling like I should know what was in it.  But after reading a few chapters I didn’t understand what it was talking about and I would quickly abandon the idea.  I refused to step into a church until I was ready to be “sinless” because there was nothing worse in my eyes than being a hypocrite.  Until I was ready to change I would not be a fake.  I had no clue that it wasn't in my power to change myself that I needed God to help me. 

When I was right out of high school and seventeen years old, I met my first love.  Our relationship quickly became serious and we dated around 6 years into my early twenties.  As I continued to live life however I wanted; I felt sure that this relationship would end in marriage.  So I invested everything I had into it, all of my time and emotions.  All of my future plans centered on this person being in my life forever.  I already knew where we would live, what kind of house we would build, and how many children we wanted.  During the same time the relationship was growing I was also continuing on a path that led to many nights of drinking and partying.  There weren’t many activities or attractions where I was from, drinking and having a good time just came naturally.  It was what “everybody” was doing in their early twenties and I was no different.  Although I never became an alcoholic, when I look back on those years I am not proud of many things I said or did.  Whenever I would go to parties most of my friends and I couldn't just have one drink, we drank until we were "wasted."  And at the time I didn’t see how I was drinking more than I ever thought I would have. 

As I explained before, my boyfriend had become the center of my life.  And I knew exactly what life would be like years from then when all of those “plans” we made would happen.  I remember during the times when the relationship hit big problems and I was miserable I would always comfort myself with the idea that I would be happy when I graduated college, when I moved out of my parent's house, when we got married, when we had kids, etc.  I was always looking ahead like circumstances would fix the problems. 

In 2005 when I was twenty-three years old, the relationship with my boyfriend came to an end, I was devastated.   Not only did I feel a huge hole over the loss of love, I also felt like there was a hole in my future.  All of those plans I had made were gone.  For the first time I felt like I was not in control of what happened in my life.  After investing so much time into being a couple I had forgotten who I was.

Faced with all of these questions and doubts I did what I knew how to do at the time, I ran to anything I could find to make me feel better.  After having long hair all of my life, I took my crazy behind to the beauty shop and told her to chop it all off short.  I went on a few dates.   I lost weight and started exercising.  I made time for my friends and family that I had neglected while I spent all of my time with my boyfriend.  Because of watching the effects alcohol had had on someone I cared about I was starting to turn away from it a little more.  I was starting to see how it could change someone I loved into an alcoholic.  I remember my last drunken night at Macado' on St. Patrick's day, I really made a fool out of myself and cried on my friend's shoulder all the way home. I thought I was having a great time while I was drunk and the party was going but when the party stopped all of my problems were still waiting on me. Even with all of these actions I was taking to do something about my situation, I still felt so empty.  Nothing I did seemed to quiet the ache inside.  Everything I did felt like I was putting a Band-Aid on a hemorrhage. 

Impatience Steals The Importance Of Today

So, if you’re anything like me, you are impatient.  Impatient waiting in line at the grocery store, impatient driving behind the car creeping down the road, impatient waiting for someone to get to a lunch date… this list can go on for miles.  I am a planner, I like goals, I like lists, and I like some semblance of order in everything.  And as we all know, life in general wreaks havoc on the world of us “planning” types.  Life cannot really be planned.  What we want to do from one day to the next doesn’t always pan out.  And for many people the plans of tomorrow never come, because they didn’t know that a particular day was to be their last day.  The older I get I continue to learn more and more ways to allow myself to enjoy the journey more instead of always trying to get to the next destination.  I try to remind myself that all I really have is today; today to love others, today to make a difference, today to worship, and today to pray.  Each day has its unique challenges and sometimes the challenge is fighting against the ordinary.  The routine seems to sometimes become life sucking.  When I am in my routine I tend to look less for opportunities to minister and focus more on what I need to get done with this “just another day.”  But today was one of those days I really felt like I tried to slow it down.  I fought against that impatience in order to try to glean some life out of today.  I smiled at people in the Walmart check-out line and didn’t get frustrated at how slow it was going.  I got behind that creeping driver and I stayed way behind as to not “push” them down the road, trying my best to focus on the scenery and my music playing.  Something else I have started doing that has brought a lot more peace into my life is taking my Nook in the car with me when I’m on my way somewhere.  Today I was going to meet a friend for lunch and she was running about 10 minutes late and I happened to get there about 10 minutes early.  In that situation I’m always tempted to get frustrated waiting for someone to arrive at a certain time, but instead I took my Nook out and started reading.  Reading always soothes me.  I also rolled the windows down and felt the sunlight, listened to the bustle of people and singing birds around me.  Peace came at a time that I could’ve been irritated.  It was my time-out from everything I needed to get done today.  When I am able to capture those moments even in the most mundane of days, I feel very thankful to God.  This was just another reminder of how impatience steals the importance of today.  Take your time; life is not a race, it is a beautiful journey. 

Last Week On Self-Control

Last week I challenged myself to focus on the fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:23-25.  I chose to work on self-control especially in regards to being negative.  It has been a long week!  I know for me personally I tend to struggle with self-control regarding negativity at work the most.  Things are always easier when I’m at home and isolated.  I can sip my coffee, read the bible, and meditate, while feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.  However when I get out into the world that is where I meet:   bad drivers, challenging personalities, and unhappy “customers.”  That is when this area of self-control is very hard to demonstrate.  This week I have faced many challenges and challenging people.  How did my experiment on self-control go?  I am a work in progress!  Let’s just say I had some great moments, and I totally FLOPPED on some!  Believe me I wish I could be more specific with you but some things I just can’t share on the blog.  But I do have to say when I focus on one thing in particular it helps me to be mindful of my actions more.  I didn’t expect to be cured in a week of negativity but I have some take away from it all. Because my negativity has become a habit and habits do not die easily.  I do recognize some things though.  I have a job that can be extremely stressful one minute and very boring the next.  I am a communications officer, most commonly known as, a dispatcher.  During my high stress times I recognize I am more apt to not demonstrate self-control and get snippy with people around me.  I also recognize when I am very tired I tend to lack self-control, I feel weakened and I’m not as alert to spiritual pit falls.  I believe that when I get into these types of situations I go into “auto-pilot.” I revert back to what is easiest and is most natural to me.  And unfortunately since I have developed a habit that happens to be a negative one, those ugly sides of my personality pop out most often when I am weakened in some way and not on guard. 

But these problems aren’t unique to me; it is a part of the human condition, the battle between the Spirit of God and the flesh.  As Paul speaks about it Romans 7:21-25, “So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.”  The whole chapter 7 in Romans always encourages me and explains how I often feel when I battle with sin.  I desire to do well but often times I do not succeed.  Does that mean I should stop striving and just give up?  Not at all, I continue to seek God’s will and His direction, and most importantly His help in becoming the person He is shaping me to be.  And thank God that there is “now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”  I do not have to feel condemned over my shortcomings but I can continually bring them to God in prayer, acknowledging them and asking for His help to overcome the issues.  I know this blog isn’t particularly exciting today, but I promised last week to share how my week went with the fruits of the Spirit; I hope yours went well with the one you chose!  And as always if you have any questions or want to share how your week went with the fruits, email me!  God bless!

The Death of a Dream Doesn’t Have to Mean the Death of My Faith

Over the last several years I have faced many forms of death;   death of loved ones, dreams, ambitions, and relationships.  And quite honestly with every death that came, I felt like a little bit of my hope died too.  With every prayer I prayed that went unanswered it also felt like a little part of my faith died as well.  I knew the God that was there when everything was going great in my life, but I had forgotten about the God that was with me in the grief-stricken, disappointing, and uncertain times.   When I was a new believer I was so excited about salvation and learning all about what the bible said and who God was.  But as the years moved on and I matured in my faith, harder trials came, some of them felt devastating.  That child-like faith I started with often became doubtful when I faced the confusion of unanswered prayers.    Some prayers were not that big of a deal to me when unanswered, things like minor money issues or whether to go back to college.  But when I prayed for a loved one to live and not die, for the salvation others, for healing to come and it didn’t…those were the tough ones.  Those were the ones that threatened to stop my faith in its tracks.  Those were the ones that have kept me up at night struggling to understand, why? 

I still don’t have all of the answers.  But as time has moved on and I have some distance from these events, I have continued to have more clarity.  I remember in my darkest times, when grief was so strong all I could do was put my head in my hands and sob, crying out to God, His presence was there.  He did not leave me, He was listening, and He was a comfort to me.  No, He didn’t always give me the answers I asked for, but He was there.  And He also illuminated His Word when I needed it most.  Many days the scripture I clung to was, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

As time went on, a little bit of hope grew.  Every day my prayers got a little more confident.  But it is still a work in progress.  I am learning about perseverance with God and how much deeper my faith can grow.  I have seen how being stripped of so many things can show me if I am totally relying on Him or not.  And as hard as it is for this control-freak, I have gotten to a place where I trust that He does have all of the answers, whether He shares them with me or not is irrelevant.   All I stand on is the truth that, He is.  Some days I handle this better than others.   During my time in the wilderness He gave me this scripture, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”  Isaiah 43:18-20.  Words cannot describe in that moment the hope it gave to me.  And when I start feeling discouraged again, I return to this promise and it gives me peace.  I don’t have to stop asking God for all of my desires because of fear He will remain silent.  There have been countless times he has answered my prayers.  As I continue on this journey, I am learning more and more that the death of a dream doesn’t have to mean the death of my faith. 

Negativity Destroys The Fruit Of The Spirit

So, if I’m being honest, I have a problem with negativity.  It’s not something that just popped up overnight.  I have struggled with this for most of my life.  I seem to naturally gravitate toward seeing the flaws in situations, in others, and in myself.  And to continue on this negative path…I HATE IT!   Deep inside that little voice of the Holy Spirit tells me negativity is not God honoring, not productive, and most importantly not loving. 

I wish this blog post was me telling you that negativity is a battle I have already won.  A bridge I have already crossed over into the sunny and wonderful land of POSITIVITY!  But I can’t.  It is a war I am actively engaged in.  Some days I win the battle, some days I lose.  But the entirety of the war is very much ongoing.

Can you relate?

Surely someone out there can admit that in your worst negative moments you also want to push Miss Susie Sunshine out of a fifth floor window!  Okay maybe something less drastic?  How about someone says something hurtful to you and it overshadows everything good about that person and all you can dwell on is their undesirable qualities?  Worse yet, you share those negative criticisms with other people, which could poison their opinion of that person. Or maybe you are invited to a place where you won’t know many people and instead of being positive about the new opportunity all you can think to yourself is, no one will probably like me anyway, so you don’t go.  Or when you pray about a situation you don’t really believe that God will give you what you ask, He didn’t answer my prayers about healing aunt Patty, He didn’t give me that job promotion I prayed for last year, I didn’t get that ministry position in the church.

Do any of those thoughts seem like familiar patterns that run through your mind?

The problem is the internal issue of negativity always finds its way to the external.  It dominates every reaction you have whether verbal or non-verbal.  And when we take a look at other words that are cousins to “negative” we start seeing the real picture.  Undesirable, harmful, adverse, unenthusiastic, unconstructive, downbeat, discouraging, depressing…the list goes on and on.  I know unenthusiastic hit a special nerve with me, I could definitely describe myself in that way many days. 

Do any of those words sound in line with scripture? 

The scripture from Galatians regarding the fruit of the Spirit is a perfect example of negativity being at odds with spiritual matters.  “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” Galatians 5:23-25

Or what about 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter?

Now I am not saying that we should just go through life not acknowledging that there are people that would do us harm, that we may have personal problems, and tragedies happen.  I believe God also wants us to be genuine and real.  People don’t relate well to others that seem to live their lives in little plastic bubbles, immune to the hardships in the world pretending everything is perfect, at least I don’t.  Those people fall into the same category of Miss Susie Sunshine whom I want to push out of that fifth story window…oh did I say that again? I hope you all know I wouldn’t really push anyone out of a window…how about a good eye roll instead?  I often meditate on what exactly Jesus meant when he told the disciples in Matthew 10:16, “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”  Seems like to me reading God’s word there is a way to be real about life while also not being Negative Nancy twenty-four-hours-a-day.  As with many things I have found regarding scripture, there needs to be balance.  There can be more balance when we let God’s Spirit guide us more than our flesh.  How do we do that?  Not to sound like a broken record but prayer and reading the bible are two solid ways to continue to grow and know what the Spirit is telling us. 

So here is a thought or challenge to you, pick just one “fruit of the Spirit” from Galatians and work on it this week.  Focus on it, read scriptures about that spiritual gift, journal if you have to and see by next Monday if your attitude has been helped any.  I’ll do it with you, I have no idea what the results might be, I’ve never tried it before but I’ll write about it on Monday.  I think I will pick self-control, God help me!  I would love to hear from you on how it goes, post comments on the blog or if you want to just share with me privately, email me at smithbl144@gmail.com, none of what you tell me via email will be shared publicly. 

So in closing there are 3 things I wanted this blog to accomplish:

1. For those of you who never thought your negative slant on life  was a problem: Recognize it as a problem!

2. If you are negative know that: You are not alone!

3. Now that you know that you aren’t alone:  Do something about it!

I hope you all have a great week and remember:

NEGATIVITY DESTROYS THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT