The Death of a Dream Doesn’t Have to Mean the Death of My Faith

Over the last several years I have faced many forms of death;   death of loved ones, dreams, ambitions, and relationships.  And quite honestly with every death that came, I felt like a little bit of my hope died too.  With every prayer I prayed that went unanswered it also felt like a little part of my faith died as well.  I knew the God that was there when everything was going great in my life, but I had forgotten about the God that was with me in the grief-stricken, disappointing, and uncertain times.   When I was a new believer I was so excited about salvation and learning all about what the bible said and who God was.  But as the years moved on and I matured in my faith, harder trials came, some of them felt devastating.  That child-like faith I started with often became doubtful when I faced the confusion of unanswered prayers.    Some prayers were not that big of a deal to me when unanswered, things like minor money issues or whether to go back to college.  But when I prayed for a loved one to live and not die, for the salvation others, for healing to come and it didn’t…those were the tough ones.  Those were the ones that threatened to stop my faith in its tracks.  Those were the ones that have kept me up at night struggling to understand, why? 

I still don’t have all of the answers.  But as time has moved on and I have some distance from these events, I have continued to have more clarity.  I remember in my darkest times, when grief was so strong all I could do was put my head in my hands and sob, crying out to God, His presence was there.  He did not leave me, He was listening, and He was a comfort to me.  No, He didn’t always give me the answers I asked for, but He was there.  And He also illuminated His Word when I needed it most.  Many days the scripture I clung to was, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

As time went on, a little bit of hope grew.  Every day my prayers got a little more confident.  But it is still a work in progress.  I am learning about perseverance with God and how much deeper my faith can grow.  I have seen how being stripped of so many things can show me if I am totally relying on Him or not.  And as hard as it is for this control-freak, I have gotten to a place where I trust that He does have all of the answers, whether He shares them with me or not is irrelevant.   All I stand on is the truth that, He is.  Some days I handle this better than others.   During my time in the wilderness He gave me this scripture, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”  Isaiah 43:18-20.  Words cannot describe in that moment the hope it gave to me.  And when I start feeling discouraged again, I return to this promise and it gives me peace.  I don’t have to stop asking God for all of my desires because of fear He will remain silent.  There have been countless times he has answered my prayers.  As I continue on this journey, I am learning more and more that the death of a dream doesn’t have to mean the death of my faith.