My Testimony Part I

I wasn’t born into a Christian home, not that it was a bad home, we just didn’t attend church. Being an only child, my parents and I were very close and had a great relationship.  But during most of my life the idea of God, to me, was somehow distant.  I believed in a God and the story of Jesus because I was from the bible-belt area of the country where those ideas seemed to be common knowledge.  It was simply a part of the culture all around me.  I would sometimes say a quick prayer before bedtime to a God I wasn’t truly acquainted with.  In my mind I was a good person.  Which translated into I didn’t steal, kill, or do any "major" sins, so I was on my way to heaven, right?  But deep down inside of me there was no certainty of these things and I was terrified to talk or even think about death.  Essentially I was lost, unaware of the emptiness in my soul.  I was in a relationship with many other people and things but without the relationship.

As I began to grow into adulthood I felt a sense of not being completely right with God.  I recall times where I would pick up a bible feeling like I should know what was in it.  But after reading a few chapters I didn’t understand what it was talking about and I would quickly abandon the idea.  I refused to step into a church until I was ready to be “sinless” because there was nothing worse in my eyes than being a hypocrite.  Until I was ready to change I would not be a fake.  I had no clue that it wasn't in my power to change myself that I needed God to help me. 

When I was right out of high school and seventeen years old, I met my first love.  Our relationship quickly became serious and we dated around 6 years into my early twenties.  As I continued to live life however I wanted; I felt sure that this relationship would end in marriage.  So I invested everything I had into it, all of my time and emotions.  All of my future plans centered on this person being in my life forever.  I already knew where we would live, what kind of house we would build, and how many children we wanted.  During the same time the relationship was growing I was also continuing on a path that led to many nights of drinking and partying.  There weren’t many activities or attractions where I was from, drinking and having a good time just came naturally.  It was what “everybody” was doing in their early twenties and I was no different.  Although I never became an alcoholic, when I look back on those years I am not proud of many things I said or did.  Whenever I would go to parties most of my friends and I couldn't just have one drink, we drank until we were "wasted."  And at the time I didn’t see how I was drinking more than I ever thought I would have. 

As I explained before, my boyfriend had become the center of my life.  And I knew exactly what life would be like years from then when all of those “plans” we made would happen.  I remember during the times when the relationship hit big problems and I was miserable I would always comfort myself with the idea that I would be happy when I graduated college, when I moved out of my parent's house, when we got married, when we had kids, etc.  I was always looking ahead like circumstances would fix the problems. 

In 2005 when I was twenty-three years old, the relationship with my boyfriend came to an end, I was devastated.   Not only did I feel a huge hole over the loss of love, I also felt like there was a hole in my future.  All of those plans I had made were gone.  For the first time I felt like I was not in control of what happened in my life.  After investing so much time into being a couple I had forgotten who I was.

Faced with all of these questions and doubts I did what I knew how to do at the time, I ran to anything I could find to make me feel better.  After having long hair all of my life, I took my crazy behind to the beauty shop and told her to chop it all off short.  I went on a few dates.   I lost weight and started exercising.  I made time for my friends and family that I had neglected while I spent all of my time with my boyfriend.  Because of watching the effects alcohol had had on someone I cared about I was starting to turn away from it a little more.  I was starting to see how it could change someone I loved into an alcoholic.  I remember my last drunken night at Macado' on St. Patrick's day, I really made a fool out of myself and cried on my friend's shoulder all the way home. I thought I was having a great time while I was drunk and the party was going but when the party stopped all of my problems were still waiting on me. Even with all of these actions I was taking to do something about my situation, I still felt so empty.  Nothing I did seemed to quiet the ache inside.  Everything I did felt like I was putting a Band-Aid on a hemorrhage.